


19th Wedding Anniversary

by goodwifefan



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-19
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2017-12-29 20:10:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1009559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodwifefan/pseuds/goodwifefan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I started this as a fill to the prompt "19th Wedding Anniversary - A/P" on sweetjamielee's The Good Wife Summer Ficathon over on LJ in 2012. Unfortunately, it has become so much larger in my head than I initially expected, that there is no way it will be finished in one go. It may take me a while to complete it, but I *will* finish it eventually! Please check back for future chapters. :)</p>
<p>Thank you to Josie & Sabrina for your encouragement & beta help. :)</p>
<p>(And no, I don't own anything related to The Good Wife...)</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Family Time

**Author's Note:**

> I started this as a fill to the prompt "19th Wedding Anniversary - A/P" on sweetjamielee's The Good Wife Summer Ficathon over on LJ in 2012. Unfortunately, it has become so much larger in my head than I initially expected, that there is no way it will be finished in one go. It may take me a while to complete it, but I *will* finish it eventually! Please check back for future chapters. :)
> 
> Thank you to Josie & Sabrina for your encouragement & beta help. :)
> 
> (And no, I don't own anything related to The Good Wife...)

  
"Family Time"

Cuddled up together in their pajamas on the couch, Grace had her head tucked into the crook of her mom's right shoulder. Alicia's left hand rested on top of Grace's as it lay on the blanket the two shared. With her right hand she stroked a rhythmic pattern along the side of Grace's head.

Over the years, this had become a common practice for the pair, as they ended the day reading together before bedtime. Since the scandal and move into the city, though, Alicia had often been too busy to keep up their familiar routine. On the rare occasion that they found time to snuggle these days, it usually involved a movie that left Alicia more into her head than into the plot. This evening was no exception.

As the final credits rolled on the screen, Alicia was lost in her thoughts, enjoying the little moment with her rapidly maturing daughter. When she realized Grace had said something, she stirred and took in a deep breath.

"Hmm?" she said.

"I've missed this." Grace said grinning.

Alicia smiled down at her daughters profile before kissing her head. "Me too, Gracie!" she said, squeezing the teenager's hand. "Me too."

Grace had been looking at her mom's rings...contemplating all the questions she didn't even know how to ask. Finally, she pulled her hand out from under her mom's and began lightly tracing Alicia's wedding ring with her finger.

Whisper quiet, she asked, "Mom, do you think you and Dad will get a divorce after the election?" She glanced up at Alicia just long enough to see a mixed reaction play across her mom's face before returning her eyes to the ring.

Alicia took in a sudden breath and opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She leaned her cheek over onto her daughter's head and sighed. "I don't know, sweetheart. We haven't really talked about it," was all she knew to say.

"Have you ever talked about _any_ of it?" Grace asked, shifting her body so she could look at Alicia directly.

Alicia was surprised by the question. She tilted her head sideways and squinted at her daughter for a few moments, searching for an intangible something. When she answered, her voice was calm and expressionless. "Some. Yes."

"But _not everything_. Why not?" Grace said.

There was a palpable unease around the subject, and Alicia sensed a slight challenge in Grace's expression and body language, if not her tone.

"No. Not everything. And because I haven't wanted to go there. That's why." Alicia answered with some firmness. The she added, softer, "Where's this coming from, Grace?"

Her daughter just stared at her hands. Alicia waited, giving her space to process. " _God, you're so much like me sometimes_ ," Alicia thought. But then she saw the tear.

"Hey! No! Come here!" she said, quickly pulling Grace into her arms. "What is it, sweetheart?" she asked as she instinctively started to rock a little. It was an unconscious action, but a mother she would always be at heart.

"When I was little, I always wanted to get married," Grace started. "But now I don't think I ever could. It looks too hard. I'm scared it would hurt too much."

Alicia felt horrible. Her internal handbook of perfectionism threatened to dump its list of "should"s on her. In moments like these she always worried that she was a bad parent.

She gently reached for her daughter's chin and persuaded Grace to look at her. "Oh honey. Don't say that! Marriage is hard work—very hard sometimes. But it can be worth it! It can be wonderful!"

"Were you happy, Mom? Before?" Grace asked.

Alicia smiled, sadly, remembering.

She brushed Grace's hair off her face saying, "Yes. I was. I was very happy."

"What _happened_ then?" Grace asked. "I mean, don't you ever wonder _why_? You always say that nothing happens in a vacuum. Don't you want to know where things started to unravel?"

Alicia picked at the threads of the blanket, uncomfortably, as Grace soldiered on. "You and Dad spend your whole day at work fixing other people's problems. If you just _talked_ about everything, wouldn't it make a difference? Couldn't you work it out?" It all came rushing out of her in one long breath so the last few words almost disappeared from lack of air.

"It's not that _simple_ , Grace." Alicia stated, more forcefully than she intended.

"But do you still _love_ Dad?" Grace asked. Without waiting for Alicia to respond she continued. "He still loves _you_. He _misses_ you. I can tell. Sometimes I catch him staring at our old family portraits when I walk into a room. And he looks at your seat at the table _every time_ we sit down to eat. I don't even think he knows he's doing it, but he does. Every time, Mom. He misses you."

It hurt her heart to hear the hope in her daughter's voice. "Grace. A marriage requires more than love alone for it to last. I never stopped loving your father. I stopped _trusting_ him." she stated honestly.

When Grace just stared at her, Alicia swallowed and licked her lips, reassessing her approach. "Look Grace. I don't have all the answers. This is unfamiliar territory for all four of us." She shrugged. "We're all just feeling our way in the dark right now. But we're all gonna make it through this—together."

She tried to sound cheerful. "Your dad and I both love you and Zach. _SO_ much. We will continue to work together where you and your brother are concerned...to do what is best for you and for Zach. We're _always_ gonna be here for you guys, regardless of whether we stay married or get a divorce. Those are things that will _never, ever_ change. Okay?"

Grace wiped a tear from her cheek, but nodded slowly.

"I want you to feel like you can talk to me, Grace. About anything. I will always do my best to listen to what's on your heart...to answer you as directly and honestly as possible. I expect the same candidness from you and your brother in return." she said.

Alicia hesitated momentarily, steadying herself for the hard stuff. "That being said...," Alicia began, reaching out to rub Grace's forearm and squeeze it gently, "there are some things...between your dad and me that, because of what happened, honey..." Alicia paused, clearing her throat. Her voice returned with cracks in it, "I just don't know if what was lost can ever be rebuilt." Alicia wiped away a stray tear of her own then before pressing her lips into a forced sort of smile.

"I'm sorry, Mom!" Grace said, reaching for Alicia's hand. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad."

"No, it's okay, sweetie," Alicia said. "I just need you to try to understand. Before you know it, Zach and you will graduate, go away to college, and start your own lives. Your dad and I will always be your parents, but parenting the two of you won't be the primary role in our lives once you're older. We have to be able to relate just as individuals again, Grace—as a man and a woman—aside from co-parenting, if we have any chance of restoring the marriage. And," Alicia ran her hand through Grace's hair, "that's the missing puzzle piece right now."

"I know it's hard, Mom. It's just...you have always encouraged Zach and me to talk through our differences until we could reach some common ground...to forgive and start fresh when we've done something to hurt each other. I just want to make sure you and Dad try as well. You know...so you are making an informed decision...so you don't have to live with regrets." she finished.

Alicia shook her head, smiling through damp eyes. "Wow!" she said, astonished. "Okay. I can only say that I will try."

"That's all anyone can ask," Grace said. "Thank you."

"No." Alicia tapped the end of her daughter's nose. "Thank you, Grace." Then, with a playful hint of sarcasm, she added, "All this time you were listening after all, huh?" She smiled, pride evident on her face.

Grace smiled, and reciprocated with a teasing eye roll. "Whatever," she laughed. "Don't let it go to your head!"

The following morning, Alicia said, "Zach, what's the date?" as she started writing out a check at the dining table. He stopped in front of the kitchen calendar on the way to the fridge and said, "June 1st." He took a couple more steps before hesitating, turning in his mom's direction. "Wait...isn't that when you and Dad got married?"

Alicia stopped writing, her pen hovering over the paper, as she looked around, surprised. "What?

Oh! Actually, yes. I hadn't even realized..." she replied, chagrined. With a far away look, Alicia stated, "Nineteen years ago today..." A pause and then, "Wow! Where does the time go?" she wondered aloud.

Zach saw a spectrum of emotion flit across Alicia's face as she said, lost in memories, "In some ways it seems like yesterday, but in others...in others it all seems very far away. A lifetime ago." She shook her head in disbelief.

"What are you talking about?" Grace asked, looking at the weird expressions on both of their faces as she came out of her bedroom.

"Today's Mom and Dad's 19th wedding anniversary." Zach said in a matter-of-fact way. "Mom didn't remember until she was writing out a check."

Grace looked at her mom, remembering their conversation, and said gently, "I bet Dad remembered."

Off Alicia's warning look, she conceded for the moment and proceeded toward the kitchen.

Zach came up beside the table and exchanged an incredulous look with Alicia. "Don't mind her," he said, placing his hand on his mom's shoulder. "In case you forgot that too, she's not a morning person," he teased.

"I know. Boy do I," Alicia smiled at Zach, patting his hand.

Hoping to lighten the mood, Zach said, "You know, Mom, there's all kinds of random info online about the meaning of various numbers, and 19 is a pretty cool one."

Alicia grinned at her son's geeky fascination with trivia. "Oh really? How so?"

"Well," he began, "if I remember correctly, it's said to be the number of surrender." Off Alicia's exaggerated "I didn't know that, but it's impressive" expression, Zach continued. "I think it is associated with endurance and bringing everything into focus too."

Grace interjected from the other room, "In the Bible, the number 19 has to do with the perfection of divine order connected with judgment."

Zach and Alicia shared another look, both smiling as they rolled their eyes.

"Oh! And also 2 people in 1 body," Grace said, coming to sit at the table.

"But," Zach said, squeezing Alicia's shoulder, "the most relevant bit to your anniversary..." he paused for impact... "19 is the symbol for winding up old accounts and starting off new, Mom. It's about harmony and new beginnings."

"Very interesting...," Alicia said, only partially sarcastic. She actually was struck by the irony of some of what Zach said, but she played it off lightheartedly. There would be plenty of time for thinking all the deeper thoughts when she was alone later.

Looking up at the clock, she gulped her remaining coffee and said, "Look at the time! I'm gonna be late for work and you for school! We've gotta go!" and proceeded to shuffle them out the door.


	2. Flowers

 

"Flowers"

Alicia rounded the corner to her office and stopped abruptly, her hand frozen just above the light switch...her eyes frozen on her desk. Sitting there, illuminated by filtered hallway light, was a large flower arrangement. Her stomach rolled instantly...whether from butterflies or nausea Alicia didn't quite know herself. Looking around, she caught Eli's smug expression, making it obvious that he had been watching for her reaction.

"Oh. Of course," Alicia thought, rewarding him with her most plastic smile. "It's another one of Eli's little publicity gimmicks. I should have seen that one coming." she chastised herself.

Setting down her briefcase, Alicia flipped on the light switch. She tried hard to appear nonchalant as she reached for the card. "Happy Anniversary." was all it said. She briefly wondered if she should feel badly because she had not done anything for Peter. "In my defense," she reasoned, "it is only a formality of surname and legal paperwork that proves we are still married at all."

Having convinced herself that it was more campaign pretense masterminded by Eli, rather than a significant gesture on Peter's part, Alicia had the excuse she needed for not dwelling on it any further. That settled, she smiled in spite of herself. "They are beautiful in a very unconventional sort of way," she thought, moving the vase to a corner edge of the desk to free up her workspace for the day. "And such a change from the predictable rose bouquets in the past."

Alicia had barely gotten seated when Kalinda rapped sharply on her door, not waiting for an invitation to enter.

"No need to guess at who sent that" she said, eying the flowers. "Their message comes through loud and clear," she continued, casually holding out a case file for Alicia. "Here's the photo set you requested on the McDunnough case."

"Thanks, Kalinda," Alicia answered. Then with a confused look, she said, "What do you mean? The card just said 'Happy Anniversary.' Peter didn't leave a message." A beat. Then Alicia looked at Kalinda, wistful. "Nineteen years...can you believe it?" she asked, more to herself than her friend.

"No" was Kalinda's matter-of-fact reply. Then she said, "He left a message alright...a pretty blatant one at that." She pointed vaguely at the various stems of the arrangement before looking back at Alicia. "Flowers all have symbolic meanings. You didn't know that?"

"I guess I never really thought about it." Alicia said honestly. "How do you know what they mean?"

Kalinda leaned closer, as if to divulge a secret, and whispered, "I'm an investigator. It's my job to know things."

Alicia rolled her eyes at her friend's smug expression. "So, are you going to share your insight then?"

"Nope." Kalinda said, giving up nothing.

"But..." Alicia began, "What happened to honesty and full disclosure?"

Kalinda didn't take the bait. Staring Alicia squarely in the face, she said, "That conversation was about you and me. This is about you and a certain someone else. Someone who appears to be testing the waters by the looks of things..."

Alicia broke eye contact, staring at the bouquet again, and sighed. "Come on, Kalinda. You really won't just tell me?" she said, clearly getting frustrated.

The investigator repositioned herself in Alicia's field of vision, intent on recapturing her attention, as she moved toward the hallway. "Look, Alicia...I _could_ tell you, but some things are better discovered on your own," she said, not unkindly. Then, tapping her fingers lightly on the door frame as she exited, Kalinda gave Alicia a parting smile of encouragement. "One word—Google."

Irritated, but curious, Alicia flipped her laptop open a little too forcefully...not even sure herself why it was so important. She pounded out the various common names one by one, writing the meanings down as she went. Then, she inhaled a deep, cleansing breath, and sat back in her chair, trying to decipher a meaning other than what was plainly spelled out in front of her.

Snapdragons=graciousness and strength

Iris=faith and gratitude for friendship

Burgundy roses=unconscious beauty

Sunflowers=loyalty

Forget-me-not=true love, memories, and hope

Larkspur=boldness, ardent attachment, and an open heart

White and pink rose mix=I love you still and always will

White tulips=seeking forgiveness

Alicia sat, wide-eyed and shell-shocked, her eyes concentrated on the list and then the flowers in turn. "Okay," she said, taking a deep breath to steady herself. "Wasn't prepared for that..." she thought, now a little uneasy. She shook her head, as if clearing out the cobwebs, and then smoothed out her suit jacket before telling herself to focus instead on the business of the day.

She opened up her email, looking for something to draw her mind towards work. Part way through her list of new messages, Alicia found one from Peter. She stared at the icon on her screen for a moment before willing her hand to click the mouse.

_Good morning, Alicia._

_You should have some flowers by now. I know roses aren't your favorite, so I thought I'd go with something that had more significance this time. Hope they look okay together and will bring a smile._

_I have some campaign details to discuss with you. Any chance you're free this evening? If you could come over when you finish at the office, that would be ideal. Dinner's on me..._

_I'll be in court most of the day, but leave me a voice mail or text when you can, okay?_

_Happy Anniversary, Babe. Have a great day, and talk to you soon._

_Bye for now – P_

Kalinda's commentary, the list of meanings for the flowers Peter had sent her, and now his email suddenly made Alicia nervous. "He called me _Babe_." she realized, an instantaneous jumble of tenderness and revulsion mixing in her core at the use of the familiar endearment. She put her face in her hands and thought, "Perhaps Grace is right. We do need to talk...and not just about the campaign. We have put it off for so long now...maybe too long. He's opened the door already, so tonight is as good as any I guess." she reasoned with herself, even as a growing sense of panic invited her to flee-to come up with any excuse so she didn't have to face...it. Him. Them.

The last thing she wanted to do was get into politics or their personal issues after a long day at the office, but it seemed that was exactly what she would be doing regardless. "Damn it! I don't want to have to think about it, never mind discuss everything!" Alicia thought, already exhausted by the mere idea. Ever the responsible one, though, she reasoned with herself. "I did promise Grace I would try...and I told Peter I would support the campaign," she thought. Still, she was already dreading the evening.

Decision made, Alicia added an alert to her phone so she wouldn't drive home on auto-pilot at the end of the day. Before her nerve faded, she quickly typed out, "See you tonight." and sent the text message to Peter. Then, hands shaking ever so slightly, she set her phone and personal life aside, turning her attention to her overflowing caseload.

On her way to the parking garage, Alicia dialed her son's cell phone.

"Hey Mom. What's up?" Zach answered casually.

"Zach, I just finished for the day, but I wanted to let you know that I have to go to your dad's tonight to discuss some things about the campaign."

"Okay," he responded. "Is it still okay if I go over to Nisa's to hang out?" Zach asked. "Her parents will probably be there" he added, knowing the question would be coming.

Before she could answer, Alicia heard a muffled Grace saying something in the background.

"Oh, and Grace wants to know if I can take her to that youth group lock-in at Shannon's church," he added.

"Is that tonight?" Alicia said. "Um...sure, I guess. Yes, you may, Zach...as long as there is an adult present. Just be careful. And stay off the expressway."

"Okay. We will."

"Oh, and Zach," Alicia remembered, "there's left over pasta salad and some chicken in the fridge if you guys are hungry. I don't know what time I'll be home, so..."

Zach chuckled. "It's fine, Mom. Don't worry about us."

Alicia sighed. "I can't help it. That's what moms _do_!" She smiled. "Speaking of which...I know it's a Friday night, but don't forget you have a curfew."

"I know. I'll be home before one." Zach confirmed.

"Um— _No!_ Your curfew is at midnight, young man—unless you'd rather it be earlier, like on a school night?" Alicia suggested with a wry smile. "But nice try!"

"Hey! It was worth a shot!" Zach teased. "Okay. Midnight it is then!"

"Thank you, Zach." Alicia replied. "I love you both."

"Love you too, Mom" Zach said before they hung up.

She shook her head in disbelief. Her kids were getting so _big_! " _Too big too fast_!" she thought, remembering her conversation the previous night with Grace.

The drive through her old suburban Chicago neighborhood was surreal—so familiar and yet foreign at the same time. It was a healthy reminder for her as she navigated the meandering residential streets to her old house. "Time stands still for no man," she quoted to herself. She had changed. They all had.

Alicia turned off her engine, hands still firmly frozen in place on the steering wheel. The quiet enveloped her instantly...oppressive and suffocating. Alicia had always loved how quiet Highland Park seemed when she lived there. Now the silence stirred up panic inside of her instead.

The constant background noise and bustle of city life suited her better these days. It was far easier to distract oneself in the city. Out here the silence was deafening—giving all her unnamed and otherwise well-masked thoughts and feelings the room to make themselves heard and noticed. It was a dangerous and unsettling thing for Alicia.

She took a deep, steadying breath. "Okay. This doesn't have to be weird." she coached herself, stepping out of her car. She approached her old front door with more outward appearance of confidence than she felt. Sometimes being a courtroom lawyer had it's advantages...it had given her extra practice in disguising her real nerves. Maybe Peter would again, as he recently had said, not be able to tell how she really felt. Willing her hand not to shake, Alicia rang her old doorbell and braced herself for whatever would unfold on the other side.


	3. Cooking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to acknowledge my beta friend, Josie, for allowing me to incorporate her ideas about an A/P dinner scene into my story. Thanks ladybug! :)

"Cooking"

Alicia was not completely sure she was doing the right thing—standing on the front porch of her former home, waiting for a response from inside. She raised her hand to push the door bell a second time right as Peter opened the door. His eyes were bright and his smile wide as he saw her standing there.

"Alicia, hi!" he said, stepping aside to let her in. "Thanks for coming. Please, come in."

"Sorry it took me so long. I was later leaving the office than I wanted." she replied.

"Don't worry about it. I know how that goes" he said.

She took a deep breath, moving past him with a strange smile as he closed the door behind her.

"What?" he asked, seeing the odd expression on her face.

She just shook her head. "This. It's just weird. Isn't it? You...here. In our house. Me, ringing the doorbell to be let in." She dropped her eyes, uncomfortable. "Was it this awkward for you coming to the apartment when they transitioned you to house arrest?" She realized now that she was so caught up in her own anxiety over it all that she hadn't ever taken the time to consider what Peter must have felt like then.

He looked at her, nodding slowly. "Yeah. That was strange." He chuckled nervously, and rubbed the back of his neck. "This is pretty weird too, though." She looked at him again, raised eye brows and a nod of agreement summing it all up.

"Well, come in" he said, gesturing towards the kitchen."You obviously don't need a tour." She smiled politely and walked ahead of him into her old kitchen.

"I hope you're hungry" Peter began, conscious of a sudden need to fill the awkward silence that so easily fell between them since the scandal. "I'm making pasta and salad. Oh, would you like some wine?" he asked, already moving to get her a glass.

"You're cooking? Really?" Alicia said doubtfully. "When you said dinner was on you, I never expected this! Should I be grateful, or worried? She asked with a mixture of honesty and playful sarcasm.

"What? I can cook." Peter replied, faking offense. Alicia raised one eyebrow at him, mockingly.

"I can help you, if you want" she said. Curious to see what Peter had cooking, she made her way to the stove. Picking up the wooden spoon, she began stirring some vegetables and herbs he had sauteing, leaning in a little to smell the mixture.

Just as she was reaching toward the cabinet that had always held their spices, Peter came up behind her. "Oh no you don't!" he said, covering her hand with his just long enough to peel it off of the spoon. "If you help, you'll never believe I can really cook." Peter said, genially. "You'll just say that's the only reason it was edible." he joked.

Alicia's smile was replaced with tension in a flash as she sensed his extremely close proximity. If she shifted her weight at all, her back would have been pressed completely against Peter's chest. She took a couple of breaths, trying to calm her racing heart. "Okay." She whispered softly, wondering how to get out of her current position without adding to the mounting awkwardness she felt.

Peter seemed to sense her dilemma, though, stepping to the side so that Alicia could easily move past him. "No. You sit right there, and watch me," he suggested, indicating the bar chair just opposite him at the kitchen's island counter top.

Alicia took the wine glass he held out for her then, and sat as he requested. "It does smell good" she offered, hunger making her hopeful.

"At least give me the benefit of the doubt until you've tasted it, okay?" he asked. Alicia agreed, amused.

After getting the pasta going, Peter picked up his knife to finish chopping vegetables. Alicia watched in silence, impressed by his technique as he sliced, diced, and arranged a nice salad. For a few minutes the rhythmic sounds of the blade on the cutting board were all that gave life to the scene. The fluid nature of his repetitive motions, calmed her nerves, but not her over active mind. "So" she asked, joking, "Is this a newly acquired talent or an old one you've always managed to hide really well?"

"I've had a lot of extra time on my hands in the last year" he confessed with a shrug. "Without you around, it didn't take long before my stomach and taste buds won out over my pride. So, I started reading some cooking blogs and trying simple recipes. The kids and I have even progressed from frozen dinners every meal to creating dishes together when they stay over. It's been fun." he beamed.

"That's great, Peter!" she said sincerely. "It's good for all three of you—well, all four of us really. The kids have always been decent at helping around the kitchen, but I'm glad you've got them cooking with you too. Survival skills 101." she joked. "Although they probably would have preferred you didn't ever tell me that little secret."

"Yeah," Peter agreed amiably. They chuckled together, the awkwardness dissipating.

As Peter added the vegetable and herb mixture to his pot of tomato sauce, Alicia had to admit that she was more than a little impressed by what she was seeing in front of her. The irony of the situation was not lost on her. Countless bygone nights, she had cooked especially for him, late night meals after he had arrived home long past dinnertime with the kids. Here he was, cooking for her, after she had technically worked late.

He turned towards her then, offering the spoon to her with his hand underneath it. "Here. Taste this" he said. The butterflies returned to Alicia's stomach then. How was this supposed to work? Was he going to feed her, or should she take the spoon from him? She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "I've got it," Peter reassured her.

Alicia licked her lips nervously before tentatively leaning forward and opening her mouth. Staring at each other the whole time, she tasted the sauce and swallowed. At Peter's questioning look, Alicia offered an approving smile.

Peter was preparing to pull the spoon away, but Alicia stopped his hand, wanting to finish the rest of the sample. "Very nice." she said, oblivious to the bit that had missed her mouth and sat beside her lips instead. He noticed, though, and smiled.

His eyes were drawn to that spot. Without thinking about it, he reached for her face, hooking his right hand under her chin and gently brushed the sauce away with the pad of his thumb. Alicia's breath caught in surprise, making him realize what he had just done. Suddenly Peter pulled back like he had gotten burned by her skin. "I'm um...sorry" he stammered.

Their eyes locked once more. They were both surprised by the unexpected contact. It was like an electric jolt surged between them, even with such a small act. For a moment everything seemed to stop, hovering in the silence.

Alicia swallowed several times in succession, suddenly aware of how loud the nervous habit sounded in her own ears. She watched a wave of emotion wash over Peter's face and was fairly certain her own was a similar display. Her stomach lurched, churning with fear, doubt, and confusion.

Trying to regain some composure, Peter quickly turned toward the stove again. "How was the sauce? Does it need more salt?" he asked, preparing to drain the pasta.

She might have laughed, in different circumstances, at how discombobulated such a small gesture had made them. Instead, she smiled, almost shyly, and looked down. "No. No more salt. It was great! Better than I expected!" she stated honestly.

"In that case" he said, "dinner is ready."


	4. Dinner

"Dinner"

The soft jazz melody wasn't the only strain in the Florrick house. Trying to avoid the elephant in the room was taking its toll on Alicia and Peter. They sat across the table from each other concentrating on their plates to avoid the odd sensation of being alone together. The noise of chewing, the clink of silverware, and the low background music all swirled together around the two, making everything they weren't saying to each other seem deafening.

Peter watched Alicia reach for her wine...saw her slender fingers wrap gracefully around the glass...noticed her grip was tight enough to make her finger tips go pale. They were largely through with their meal, but their conversation had stalled after the incident with the spoon. He cleared his throat then, hoping to salvage the evening.

"So-what do you think?" he asked. "How'd I do?"

Alicia nodded as she swallowed. "It's good, Peter. Great actually!" she said, meeting his eyes for the first time since they sat down at the table together. "I'm quite impressed." She braved a brief smile before looking down at the table again, watching the way the light refracted off the rim of her glass as she twirled the stem between her fingers nervously. Then softer, "I admit I prejudged you. I should have given you a chance. I'm sorry."

Peter smiled then, his pride evident. "Excellent! Coming from you, that is high praise indeed! God knows you suffered plenty over the years trying to eat things I made in the past!" He shuddered very animatedly. "Remember that time the kids and I tried to make you pancakes for breakfast in bed?"

Alicia laughed then. "Oh how could I forget!" she said, rolling her eyes. "Peter, they were _awful_!"

He reciprocated, "I _know!_ Who knew it could be so complicated!" he laughed with her, shaking his head in disbelief. "Half of them burned to a crisp...the rest oozing goo from the middle! God, what a nightmare" he said, amused.

The smile faded a little then, and with a more reflective look he said, "I miss those days."

Alicia cocked her head sideways and looked at him for a moment, thoughtfully. "Me too" she replied before looking down. "Everything seemed so simple back then...when the kids were small. Nothing seems simple anymore" she stated, taking a deep breath.

She twirled her wine glass again, continuing. "The kids are getting so _big_ —acting so...grown up, Peter! Sometimes I wish they were still little so I could protect them better."

"Protect them from what, Alicia?" he asked.

"Everything" she replied. "Hurt. _Life_." she stated honestly. Alicia looked up at him then, debating whether or not to tell him. Stalling she reached for the wine bottle. "More wine?" she offered before filling her own glass with the liquid courage she needed to continue.

"Grace asked me last night if we were getting a divorce after the election." she stated as calmly as possible. She looked for Peter's reaction over the top of her glass as she took a sip.

"Really?" he answered, as much a statement as a question. "And what did you tell her?" he asked, not sure he really wanted to know.

"I told her that I didn't know...that we hadn't really talked about it" she replied evenly.

"Fair enough" Peter responded. "Was she okay with that answer?"

Alicia shook her head as if she could shake off the memory. "She started crying, Peter. She said she's afraid to get married now because she's scared it will hurt too much." Alicia sighed and took another drink. "Sometimes I wonder if we've screwed up our kids for life." she admitted quietly, swirling the wine in her glass.

"I know, Babe." Peter replied with audible concern. "I worry about that too" he said. "But we can't change the past—only try to do things better moving forward." Then he leaned forward and squeezed her forearm reassuringly. "I'm sure they will be fine. We just have to be open and honest with them" he said, pausing briefly before adding, "...and with each other."

Alicia looked him in the face then, searching his eyes before nodding slowly.

"I spoke with Zach some already" Peter said, testing the water.

"Okay" Alicia replied warily. "About what?"

"He asked me on one of the first weekends they stayed over at the apartment why you had suddenly changed your mind...why you wanted me to move out." Off Alicia's nervous look, he leaned back in his chair and continued. "I thought honesty was the best approach...especially because he seemed angry at you. I didn't want that. I told him I hurt you in more ways than one, and that he shouldn't blame you."

"But you didn't go into specifics, right?" she asked, hoping.

"No. No details" he answered. "But he figured out from our conversation that there had been other women besides Amber" he said solemnly, rubbing his chin nervously as he studied her reaction. "We changed the subject when Grace came downstairs."

Alicia remembered then how thoughtful and helpful Zach had been in the weeks just after the split. It warmed her heart to realize that he knew more than he let on, and he was trying to be supportive. Alicia sighed deeply. "Good. She already asks me hard questions about relationships and forgiveness…sin...things I don't have clear answers for myself" Alicia admitted. "I think, with all her Bible study that would only have muddied the waters more. So thank you, Peter."

"You're welcome" he answered, raising his glass in a toast. "To teamwork."

Alicia smiled. "To healthy parenting."

Peter decided the moment was right to begin the business side of their evening then. "Speaking of teamwork..."

"...the campaign" Alicia finished for him as she leaned back in her seat. "Peggy Byrnes has been asking me personal questions" she said, looking at Peter for any sign of reaction or recognition. Seeing his expression, she knew she wasn't the only one being bombarded with questions.

"Ah, Pegging Byrnes. She's not shy is she?" Peter responded. "I can try to convince her to back off of you, but honestly I think it would just make her worse."

"I agree" Alicia replied. "No. It's okay. She's very direct, but I can handle it.

"What kind of questions?" Peter asked curiously. "That's one of the things I wanted to talk with you about—coordinating our responses for the media.

"She asked why I am supporting you and your campaign...how I can still be committed to you after you broke your commitment to me...if I have forgiven you...things like that."

Scared of the answers to those questions himself, but also curious, Peter asked, "What did you tell her?"

"The truth—I don't like breaking my commitments."

Peter knew that about her. What he really wanted to know was the deeper question...and the harder one to ask. "And the forgiveness part?" he asked, leaning forward in his chair.

Alicia held his gaze for a few moments in silence until Peter finally looked down unable to hope for what he truly longed to hear.

"I told her I have forgiven you, Peter. And I meant it" she said. Peter made eye contact with her again as she added softly, "I think I forgave you some time ago. I just never got around to telling you because..." she paused. "Because I'm not sure that it changes anything."

Overcome with gratitude, Peter cleared his throat and reached for her hand. "No, Alicia. It does matter! It matters to me—so much! Thank you" he said, squeezing her hand.

Alicia smiled sadly and squeezed his hand in response. "You're welcome, I guess." Looking at their hands intertwined together on the table between them, Alicia debated whether to continue. "She asked about the separation, Peter" Alicia said nervously. "I don't know how she found out."

"I told Canning and Nyholm during the deposition at your office" he replied in a matter of fact way. Off Alicia's stunned look, he added, "Sorry. I was planning to tell you tonight. That was one of the reasons for having you over this evening."

"You what?!" she said, moving her hand to her chest in disbelief. "Peter! Won't that hurt your campaign?"

"Maybe..." he replied. "But given the choice between hurting my campaign and letting them insinuate that I gave you information to help your career or the firm..." he trailed off, shaking his head. "I didn't feel like I had a better option. I wasn't going to let them ruin your career with false accusations like that, Alicia! You've worked too hard to get where you are. You're too good at what you do for that!" Then his face softened as he said, "Besides—I'm proud of you!"

Alicia smiled back, feeling both pleased and proud herself. "Thank you, Peter! I don't know what to say..."

Peter stared at her with affection. "You're welcome" he said. "It was worth it just to see the color drain out of their smug faces!" he added, grinning. "I'm sorry you missed it!"

"I bet!" Alicia laughed. "So now what do we do? Peggy or someone else is bound to say something soon. It will catch on like wildfire with the press once it gets out, Peter."

He just looked at her. "I know. What do you want to do?" he asked sincerely.

"I don't know." she replied. "I'm tired of all the pretense." Looking him squarely in the face, she said, "I know you have what it takes within you to win this election, Peter. Run on your vision and your record...not on false pretenses. Then you will always know you gave everything you had. I think we should be above board from here forward and see where it goes from here." Alicia concluded.

Peter put his hands together in front of his mouth, considering what she was saying. "When Peggy interviewed me, she asked if we were going to live together again now that I am back in our house" he told her, trying to visually gauge her reaction.

Alicia silently scoffed and rolled her eyes, annoyed by the audacity. Seeing this he continued, "I told her she would have to ask you that question because that decision was yours alone to make. I think you know how I feel..." he said, holding her gaze until Alicia looked away. He knew then that she was still not comfortable discussing their future but, though disappointed, tried not to show it.

The wine was starting to affect her mentally, and this topic seemed slippery. Wanting to steer the conversation further away from a cliff, Alicia attempted to change the subject.

"I thought the flowers were from Eli this morning. I thought they were just for show..." she shrugged. "For pretense. But then I looked up their different meanings..."

"I was hoping you would do that!" Peter said with distinct pleasure. He had been banking on her curiosity, so that the things he was uncertain about proclaiming to her verbally would still be clear to her. "I kept the meaning symbolic so, if you wanted, you could just take them at face value" he said, pausing briefly. "But it was never just a publicity thing, Alicia. Eli had nothing to do with it."

She looked at him in silence for a moment and smiled softly. Peter's confirmation that the gesture was not about Eli or the campaign made her happy for reasons she could not even explain. The combination of the wine and the realization that he really was making strides to change and show her that he cared gave Alicia the courage she needed to continue.

"Kalinda knew at a glance that they were from you" she said. Peter looked up, both startled and confused at hearing the unexpected name. "She's the one who commented on the flowers' message and then encouraged me to look up their meanings" Alicia said as she casually ran her index finger around the rim of her glass. "After the conversation that I had with Grace, I felt like I owed it to all of us to come tonight. It's really because of Kalinda that I am here. " she said, studying his face for a reaction.

"Kalinda, huh?" Peter leaned back in his chair and scoffed. They both smiled sadly at the irony. Kalinda was the final straw that broke them apart. Now she had helped them come to a position where they could try to resolve some of their brokenness.

"I know" she said, nervously smoothing the table cloth with her hand "Life is strange, isn't it?"

Peter inclined his head in agreement. "That it is!"

They were both silent for a moment. She knew Peter might be sacrificing his chances for the governorship by protecting Alicia and her firm with the separation leak. That was no small gesture for either of them. Between this and the flowers, Alicia felt how much Peter was concerned about and cared for her. Then her heart softened a little bit more towards him, thinking of these and other recent examples of how he was working to change...to improve...to make amends.

Then Alicia said softly, "Thank you, Peter...for the flowers...for being upfront about the separation..." she concluded, smiling, "...for dinner!"

"You are welcome!" he said. Not wanting the evening to end so soon, he suggested, "We aren't quite done yet. We have dessert!"

"Oh my!" Alicia replied smiling. "Well, let me help you clean this up at least" she said, picking up her place setting.

"No, I've got it!" Peter insisted. "You just relax. I'll just be a few minutes" he grinned.

"Okay," she said with a surrendering motion of her hands. "Is it okay if I look around then?" she asked.

"Have at it" he said with a smile.


	5. Wandering

"Wandering"

Alicia looked around, letting her eyes take in her familiar, yet not, surroundings. The house was the same, of course, but it was no longer the place that she remembered. It hardly looked anything like the home it once was to her.

Functional—utilitarian even—that was the word that came to mind as Alicia made a visual inventory. It wasn't that Peter didn't have good taste. He had just always left the decorating…the homey touches…to her. The sparse furnishings now in the house were new, mostly dark, and masculine looking.

She had sold everything that would not fit in her apartment when Peter went to prison. Since the apartment she moved him to on election night was furnished, Alicia knew that he had recently purchased most of the things she saw here.

Intentional or not she couldn't say, but it made Alicia smile softly when she realized that Peter had attempted to duplicate the same arrangement of the house as it had been "before"…such a small word that held so much meaning for her now. Her life was defined in recent years by the words before, since, and after…

Alicia's smile broadened when she thought about Peter guiding her to her same familiar place at the dinner table earlier in the evening, just like Grace had indicated. There was something both comforting and awkward in the mix of this familiar, yet strange, scenario. Still, she could not deny that she liked it.

Alicia wandered through the living room and into Peter's study. There were several boxes stacked in corners and only a handful of adornments around, accentuating the fact that Peter had not been back long. Just as Grace had said, though, Alicia found family photos prominently displayed. Looking closely at each one, she reveled in the memories that flooded her senses with each image.

The family photo they had taken on a vacation a couple of years "before" was sitting on Peter's desk. "This must be the one Grace was referring to," Alicia thought.

Interspersed among the bookshelves and end tables there were several more images:

Gracie's toothless grin on her proud first day of kindergarten

Zach and Peter playing tennis

The kids at Disney World, wearing their mouse ears next to all the famous characters

Alicia and Grace with their horses

As she meandered along, a combination frame caught her eye. Alicia picked it up to get a closer look. One of the photos was taken by a freelance photographer in a town they visited on their honeymoon. It was a profile of Peter leaning against a tree with Alicia leaning back against him, their arms intertwined _._ "I remember that day…," she thought, running her hand delicately over the image. She smiled sadly at their laughing faces before turning to the other image.

It was one that Alicia had forgotten from when she was pregnant with Zach…napping in the hammock in the summer shade. Looking at it caused another memory from the same time period to surface, and Alicia's mind drifted back.

_She had just stepped out of the tub after trying to soak away the tension from a very long work day, her swollen belly having magnified her fatigue. Peter arrived home late from the office as well, but she didn't hear him enter. She only realized he had been watching her rub lotion into her naked skin when he walked up behind her and nipped at her shoulder in greeting._

" _Hello gorgeous!" he almost growled. She smiled, replying, "Well hello there! I'm glad you're home!"_

" _You are so beautiful. Your profile is such a turn on, Babe!" Reaching for the lotion, he said, "Here…let me!" He rubbed it in his hands and spread it across her upper back, massaging her as she purred in satisfaction._

" _That good, huh?" he chuckled softly. "Mm-hmm…" was her only reply. He finished her back and reached around to cradle, hold, and then rub lotion into her belly. She leaned her head back against his shoulder, and Peter kissed her neck. Alicia squeezed the back of his neck with her hand before running it through his hair._

_His hands began to wander up and down her sides and across her breasts. "Are they still sore?" he asked as he cupped them gently._

" _Yes," she said, "but not as bad as they have been on some other days." He let his fingers glide over them very softly. "I'm sorry, Babe" he said, caressing and kissing her._

It was a very sensuous moment for them both. Even remembering it stirred up butterflies in Alicia's stomach. "We were so in love…so content," she thought, wiping away a sudden and solitary tear as it streaked down her check unexpectedly.

Placing the frame back on the shelf, she could almost feel the hammock gently sway in the breeze and remember how relaxed she felt right before hearing the "click" of the camera shutter.

"I've always loved those photos!" Peter said gently as he entered the room from behind her. Startled out of her reverie, Alicia turned toward his voice, hoping he didn't notice the glisten in her eyes.

If he did, he kept that to himself. He held out a refilled wine glass to her and joined her in front of the frames. "You looked so serene lying there with your hand resting protectively over your belly…"

"My gigantic stomach, yes. The nerve! _Why_ would you think it was a good idea to capture that for posterity? I felt fat and lazy…and ugly…and _sore_ …"

"You were beautiful, Alicia! Pregnancy made you glow! He continued, "I always loved watching you when you didn't see me…but especially when you were pregnant. I knew by the way you handled all the changes that you would make a wonderful, gentle, loving mother." She looked at him, touched, and smiled briefly.

He smiled sheepishly at her then, almost like he had read her mind before. "And I always enjoyed those opportunities I had while you were pregnant to try soothing your different aches and pains...to do what little things I could to help ease the burden you had to carry alone." He looked down then and placed his hand on her back with a gentle squeeze. "I'm sorry you have had to carry so many burdens alone, Alicia," he said, his voice full of emotion.

"Thank you, Peter," she whispered and reached out to squeeze his hand.

They stood there in silence for a moment, both looking at the photo again as Peter picked it up. "I loved your maternal curves," he said. Then, wanting to gage her reaction, he turned his eyes towards her and continued. "I still love your curves, Babe."

She closed her eyes and inhaled sharply as the butterflies swirled in her stomach again. This conversation was getting dangerous, and she felt the need to deflect his suggestive admission.

She looked away then, embarrassed and unsure of how to respond. Letting go of his hand, she moved a few steps away and reached for a photo of the two of them shoving cake into each other's mouth at their wedding reception.

"Jackie's ridiculous public wedding…" Alicia said, shaking her head lightheartedly. Peter cleared his throat and nervously rubbed the back of his neck then, aware that he had miss-stepped.

"I know," he agreed. "Remember how furious she was when I called her from the airport and told her we had eloped and were going away for our honeymoon?" he laughed. "I thought she was going to have a stroke right there on the phone!"

"How could I forget?" Alicia scoffed. "She instantly assumed I was pregnant and had put you up to the idea! Her baby boy would _never_ have done something so socially humiliating to her!" she continued sarcastically.

Peter's grin grew larger as he listened to Alicia. "But you didn't want a big fuss, so it seemed right to surprise you with a civil ceremony. You were so focused on finishing your last few weeks of law school that I knew you wouldn't suspect anything if I arranged it for the Tuesday after graduation" he said.

"I definitely didn't expect it! Memorial Day weekend was so busy because of graduation, and I think I was still on a high from that" she recalled, smiling back at him. "I was so ecstatic when you told me, but I remember being terrified that one of your father's friends in the courthouse would rat us out before the Justice of the Peace could make our marriage official!" Alicia exclaimed.

They both laughed then. "Jackie didn't like me to begin with, and I knew she was going to be livid!" Alicia said, looking back at the photo. "I wasn't surprised when she insisted on a public ceremony after we returned."

"Remember how awful that cake was at the reception?" he asked, pointing back at the image.

"Yes! It was terrible!" she laughed, shaking her head. "I still can't believe after all the money Jackie spent on that ceremony so that society saw our wedding, the cake was like cardboard!"

"But I was so hungry I didn't care!" Peter exclaimed. "Mom was just following tradition…making sure we made it into the society pages."

"I know," Alicia agreed.

"I admit, in hindsight, those social connections actually did turn out to be more important than I imagined back when I arranged our elopement." Peter stated.

"That is true," Alicia conceded before taking a gulp of wine to ease the pain of the confession. "It's hard to say this, but—occasionally—your mother is right."

"Still," Peter grinned, locking eyes with Alicia, "I would do it again in a heartbeat! I loved that we had those moments to ourselves…just us for our real ceremony, and those few precious days alone on our honeymoon…" he said quietly. "Those are still some of my favorite moments together with you, Alicia."

She smiled at him then…a sad but sweet smile. "Mine too, Peter," she said genuinely. "We had our moment, so the society wedding didn't really bother me like it would have otherwise." She pointed at the picture of the reception again and joked, "I guess you could say we got to have our cake and eat it too."

"Very true," Peter agreed. "Speaking of…our dessert is ready in the living room" he said, gesturing for her to go ahead of him into the other room. "I know my cake baking in the past has been lack luster, but you've got to try this, Alicia!"

"Oh I'm too full, Peter!" Alicia groaned, but she followed him anyway.


	6. Dessert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to Sabrina and Josie! These two frequently look over my chapters for me and talk me down from the ledge every time I freak out in frustration over how to get the vision in my head down in writing.
> 
> Just a reminder: Since it is taking me so long to finish this story that I started last summer, I feel it is important to mention that my fic is set BEFORE Season 4. Alicia & Peter have NOT been intimate since before she kicked him out of her apartment in Season 2…
> 
> It may be a while before I get the rest of this story posted. I have it mapped out in my head. Getting it typed out is the challenge. I have not given up on it though, and I hope that you will not either. Thanks for sticking with me...
> 
> The Florricks…still not mine…

"Dessert"  


Alicia joined Peter on the couch and nodded toward the carefully arranged dessert plates sitting on the coffee table in front of them. "If I hadn't already tasted your other cooking tonight, I would have sworn you bought that!" she teased.

"It's nothing like the last one I made you eat! Try it. Please?" Peter said in his own defense.

"You mean my surprise cake?" she said with a funny look and a giggle.

"Precisely!" he replied, laughing too. "Come on…at least one bite?" Bypassing the fork, he picked up a slice of cake and bit into it, making a show of how delicious it was. "It's your _favorite_ ," he taunted, grinning.

"Fine!" she said, smiling and rolling her eyes playfully. "I'll try it!"

"Excellent! Look. It'll be like that reception photo we just saw!" Peter joked, implying that he would feed the cake to her now as he had then. But just as Peter raised the piece to her mouth to taste, Alicia saw his expression and shook her head in mock exasperation at how pleased he looked over this little victory. The chocolate frosting caught the edge of her lip and smeared out toward her cheek, and the movement caused a chunk of the cake to land in her lap.

A grin slowly spread across Peter's face. "Oops!" he said, laughing. Alicia sat without reacting for a second before she slowly picked up the bit in her lap. Staring at Peter, she ate it with exaggerated approval. Then, with a smirk and slightly squinted eyes, she reached out with her icing covered fingers like she intended to paint his face with it in return.

Reacting to the sudden twinkle in her eyes, Peter stopped her arm before it reached him. "Hey now! Oh no you don't! That wasn't my fault!" he laughed.

Alicia giggled and fought against him, hopelessly trying to keep her hand away from her own face as Peter grinned, pushing her arm back in her direction. Then he rose up off the couch and moved to tickle her into submission. Peter snickered, knowing he had her now. Alicia began to squeal and laugh heartily. She squeezed her eyes closed, preparing for more frosting on her face at any second.

The sound caught Peter off guard though, and it made him stop abruptly. For a second her labored breathing was the only noise. Alicia opened her eyes slowly and saw Peter leaning over her on the couch, his mouth partially open, and his face close enough to feel his breath. He was staring at her with an odd expression that Alicia couldn't read. "Peter?" was all that came out as she tried to return her breathing to normal.

"I haven't heard that laugh in so long!" Peter said wistfully. "I had forgotten how much I missed it." Alicia smiled sadly. He didn't move at first, just hovered there, staring at her. Then, slowly, he let his eyes drift down to her lips and the frosting that painted her cheek before meeting her gaze again. This time Alicia could read his expression easily.

Suddenly nervous, her smile disappeared. She swallowed loudly, or so it sounded to her own ears. She knew things were about to get dangerous, but she couldn't make herself stop him. Instead, eyes locked on Peter's, Alicia tilted her head slightly to the side and licked her bottom lip. She saw a hint of recognition flash across his face along with a soft smile as he closed the gap between them, aiming for the frosting at the corner of her mouth.

The next thing she knew, they were kissing. It was soft and gentle—hesitant even. Peter let go of her chocolate covered hand, sliding his own along her jawline. Alicia put her arm around his neck, pulling him closer, as she brushed her other hand through his hair. When he opened his lips slightly and traced her bottom lip with his tongue, she willingly opened her mouth for him.

Alicia moaned softly as the kiss grew deeper and more passionate. Peter leaned further onto her, and Alicia instinctively adjusted her position to accommodate him better. Then, suddenly, she froze, realizing where they were headed. Breaking off the kiss, Alicia turned her face sideways, the dried chocolate on her cheek suddenly separating the two of them like a wall.

"No! I can't do this, Peter!" she panted. "I need to go!"

"What? Now?" Peter asked, incredulous. He sat up, still trying to catch his breath, as Alicia began to scramble off of the couch. "Alicia…wait." He stood up, trailing after her as she made her way towards the door.

Alicia was determined to leave—to escape in truth, as that was her modus operandi anytime emotions threatened to break thru her façade. "Babe, hold on!" he said with urgency in his voice.

"No. Peter. It's getting late," she replied, trying to sound unaffected. "I think I should go now." She reached for her keys, but Peter grabbed them first.

"Alicia, you can't just leave like this. Not now," Peter said, confused. "Can't we at least talk about what just happened first?"

"Peter" she said sternly. "Give me my keys! I don't want to talk. I just…" Alicia was flustered, and it was showing no matter how hard she tried to control herself. She took a deep breath and said, "I want to leave now."

She grabbed for her keys, but he moved them out of her reach, stalling. "Alicia, I'm not letting you leave like this." Then, more gently, he pled with her, "Please don't shut me out, Babe."

"Peter, give me my keys, damn it!" she said sharply, her volume rising. When she tried to snatch them again, Peter dropped the keys into his pocket and grabbed her arm. Realizing that she hadn't listened to his emotional argument, he tried appealing to her sense of logic. "Alicia," he replied softly, "you're in no condition to drive. You've had too much alcohol, and you're upset! I'm not going to letting you drive home like this!"

"Let go of me, Peter!" she warned. Glaring at him, she tried to wrestle her arm free, but he held on more securely instead, like he was holding onto the most precious thing in the world.

Attempting to talk some sense into her, he positioned her between himself and the wall of the entry way. "Alicia…calm down! If you want to go that badly, I will call a car company for you, but…"

All of the anger that she usually kept so safely below the surface suddenly erupted as she fought to free herself. "Let _GO_ of me, damn you! You're _hurting_ me!" she yelled in his face as she started pushing him with her free arm, trying to get him away from her.

"Alicia," he said calmly, letting go of her arm and pulling her into a firm embrace, not unlike a parent trying to restrain a beloved child in the midst of a tantrum. "I'm not trying to hurt you! I'm just…"

She fought against him, trying to free herself, but he continued to hold her securely, frustrating her even more. "But you _are,_ Peter! …You're hurting me! …You… _hurt me_!" Then, suddenly, Alicia stopped fighting against him.

As quickly as it had flared up, the anger that had for so long guarded her pain dissolved into tears. "You hurt me, Peter!" she said again, choking on the words as her emotions began to overwhelm her. Then quietly, broken, she cried, "Why, Peter? _Why_ weren't we enough for you? Why wasn't _I_ enough?" she wept as her pain came to the surface for the first time since the scandal.

When her knees suddenly gave way under the weight of her emotions, Peter guided her safely to the floor. Holding her tenderly to his chest as she sobbed in his arms, his own eyes grew sad and misty. He kissed her head gently and nodded softly. It was unexpected turn of events, but it was a breakthrough the couple needed.


	7. Alicia Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From the author: This fic has been collecting dust in a dark corner for two years, but I never gave up on its eventual completion. Life just got in the way. I have a little time in the next few weeks, so I expect to update with the remaining portions fairly shortly after this now that I have gotten back into the groove.
> 
> Maybe there are a few fans (beyond the handful I personally know) still out there with some interest in the marriage of Alicia and Peter Florrick. Hope dies last for me. I will continue to hope we get some of this in canon, but given the low chances of that at this stage in the series, I decided it was important to make it happen in fan fiction at the very least!
> 
> Thank you to all the loyal “The Good Wife” fans who continue to inspire and support my writing. I owe extra gratitude to Kiki, Josie, Sabrina, Sybil, and Jami for being wonderful sounding boards!
> 
> (I can't figure out the formatting problem with my spacing, so hopefully it won't be too distracting. Sorry.)  
> _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In that moment, I was undone. I no longer had the strength left to run from Peter or all the emotions I had spent years building walls to keep buried. The dam had burst. There was no going back now. I sobbed, the pain overwhelming me. Unable to fight off his comforting embrace…unsure if I even wanted to anymore…I collapsed against him. 

The tears came in torrents, streaming down my face, blurring my vision into a sickening kaleidoscope of colors. I shut my eyes tightly against the sudden forlorn noise that assailed my ears, causing me to burrow deeper into Peter’s embrace, before I realized, somewhere in my mind, that the animalistic sound was coming from me. Grief clawed its way out of the shadows of my soul, refusing to be silenced.

Peter pulled me securely to him, guiding my head to his chest. He ran his palms soothingly along my back and arm. I could hear him fighting back tears also as he softly said, “It’s okay, Alicia. Let it out. You’re safe, honey. I’ve got you.” He took a deep shuddering breath then and tenderly kissed my head. “I’m so sorry, Babe.” 

I looked up then, meeting his eyes briefly, but the sadness I saw there threatened to push me further into despair. My head was pounding, and my body was wracked by sobs. 

It felt like the tears would never end. Slowly, though, the emotional eruption eased. My eyes continued to seep tears as we sat for a few more moments in silence, my sniffling and our syncopated breathing the only sounds in the room. Eventually Peter put his hand to my head again, gently massaging the tight muscles on my neck and lower scalp through my hair. The simple act caused a wistful smile to creep to my face, retrieving fond memories of times past when he had initiated this same simple gesture, knowing it always helped me relax.

As the tears slowed and I swiped at my nose with the back of my hand, Peter hesitantly said, “Want to talk about it?”

An incredulous snort was my reflexive response, but I knew I needed to speak. If we were ever going to move beyond our awkward stalemate, I knew I had to be willing to communicate with him. I had to take a chance on letting him back in. At the prospect of added vulnerability, a wave of nausea washed over me, but I squeezed my eyes shut and steeled myself against it. I wanted this. As terrifying as it was, deep down, I wanted this. I needed for Peter to know what he did to me. I needed him to hear me say it so there wasn’t any more ambiguity, but it was all so big and raw…where to start?

I took a shaky breath and slowly let it leak out again, wiping my eyes dry with the heels of my palms. “I trusted you, Peter…completely,” I began quietly. “I gave up everything for you—for us. I gave you…everything, and you just…threw it all away like it was…nothing. Like our family, the life we built, was meaningless.” 

Peter shifted his hand to my leg, and I knew he wanted to speak, but I couldn’t let him yet. I grabbed his wrist to stop him, unable to look at him and share the ragged fragments of my heart at the same time. “Wait, Peter…Please…I just need to get it out, okay?” 

 

“Okay,” Peter acquiesced, lightly squeezing my leg before returning his arm to embrace me. The moment felt like it was thinning. It was both physically and emotionally awkward sitting in a heap on the entry way floor, but I knew if we were going to deal with the elephant between us, it needed to be now. Still, I needed a moment to regroup, and finding a more comfortable position seemed like a useful diversion.  
“Can we move to the couch, first, though? This is really uncomfortable,” I suggested, moving my stiffening joints. 

 

Peter chuckled, moved to stand, and offered me a hand up, “Absolutely! My legs were falling asleep!”  
His warm hand felt even warmer in contrast to the loss of contact everywhere else as we walked to the living room. Peter sat in the corner of the couch as I grabbed some tissues off the end table, crumpling them in my fist. 

 

I hesitated for a second, unsure where to sit. Deciding it would be easier to share my darkness without looking at him, but wanting to be close, I pointed in front of him, “May I?” Peter shifted one leg onto the couch to make room for me. “Of course,” he said, tenderly welcoming me into the security of his embrace again.

 

For a long moment, we just sat there together, and I remembered how much I had loved moments like this before. I had always felt so…safe…invincible in Peter’s arms back then. I realized I still enjoyed the feeling, but I was wiser now. I knew the demons lurked within and between us, not outside our embrace. The threat that loomed largest over our marriage was the wall of silence that persisted between us. I knew it would only come down by communicating better, so I took another cleansing breath and dove back in.

 

“There have been times in the last few years when …” I have to resist the urge to hold back the words. It has become such an automatic habit to bite my tongue. “I have hated you….for what you did to our family. For all that our kids and I had to endure because of your…” I struggle mentally, sifting through words to find the one that I’m satisfied feels the best. “…selfish disregard. For making me question my love for you…for making me doubt your love for me. I’ve hated myself for giving a damn at all about what you think…or how you feel, and why. I’ve hated how your actions altered the way I think about …everything!” 

 

I realized my voice was loud now, my words filled with more rancor than I expected or intended them to be. I picked up a tissue from my leg, where I had been mindlessly pressing the wrinkles out with one hand as I spoke, and used it to wipe at my nose before crumpling it into my fist again. 

 

With equal emotion but a softer tone, I said, “I never realized how much I depended on you. Then when I needed you most, you weren’t there! I had the press surrounding me everywhere, your sex tapes were all over the internet and media.” I shook my head, remembering. “None of our supposed friends would even make eye contact after that. They certainly didn’t offer any help or support.” 

 

My voice cracked as I remembered my children’s faces the night I had to tell them we would have to move. “Telling the kids I had to put the house up for sale was so hard! Zach was upset, I could tell, but he tried to hide it like always. Grace fell apart. I think she cried off and on for 3 days. I wanted to cry along with her, but I couldn’t allow myself to break. I didn’t think I would never be able to stop if I gave in to the darkness I felt.”

 

Peter pulled my head gently towards him then and pressed a kiss on my hair. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, slowly letting it out again to steady myself.

 

“The kids set up google alerts on our names and knew stuff before I did half the time. I had to have conversations with our kids, about our sex life, that no parent should ever have to have with their children, Peter! I had to make humiliating doctor appointments just to put to rest the nagging fear that I might have been infected with STDs because of your risky behavior…” The memory of those bitter days made the back of my mouth taste sour. “There were so many bills and so many questions, theirs and my own, but I didn’t have the answers. 

 

“I was so angry at you for causing the whole thing and then disappearing. I felt like you abandoned us when we needed you most. I had to be strong for the kids, but I felt…so alone…so tired.” I looked at Peter and saw the pain I felt from reliving those memories reflected back to me from his face.  
I couldn’t handle it and had to turn my head away.

 

“You destroyed my sense of confidence in everything I thought I knew to be true…what, and who, I thought I could count on. Not just you, Peter. Everyone! Everything! I didn’t trust my own sense of judgment anymore. My self-confidence…and self-worth were shattered.” 

 

The tears ran down my checks as the pitch of my voice betrayed my most painful admission. “I felt so…gullible. It never occurred to me to be suspicious. And then suddenly, my entire life was part of the 24 hour news cycle and …” My voice broke again as I steeled myself against the nausea once more. 

 

I quietly admitted for the first time out loud, “I felt so…dirty…and ashamed," the disgust evident even to my own ears. “I suddenly felt like you didn’t think I was good enough for you.” Peter leaned his head against my own. I heard him sigh, but he, thankfully, just held me a little tighter and didn’t try to speak.  
I could tell from the way he cleared his throat that the tears were blurring his vision as well as my own then, but I was past the point of no return. I had to finish.

 

“Then the press said I was frigid…that I wasn’t adventurous enough for you. The whole thing made me feel worthless—as a wife—as a woman.” I glanced up at him then, clenching my jaw to keep from crying again, before returning my eyes to my lap, where I unconsciously twisted my wedding band. “What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough, Peter?” I shook my head in disbelief. “Where did we go wrong? …What did I not see?”


	8. Peter's Response

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: This is my best attempt at creating the vital conversation the series will never give us. Hope it gives you, and them, the closure we all deserve!
> 
> My extreme gratitude for hand holding and feedback goes to Sabrina & Jami, without whom chapters 7 & 8 would never have been finished. Thanks a million! 
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sitting there, listening to her actually verbalize all that I had put her through and really hearing how it affected her…seeing her pain…for the first time was almost more than I could handle. 

 

I wanted to vomit. I wanted to run. I wanted to make it go away, but I knew I had to face it. We had to face the devastation, together for a change, if we were ever going to have a realistic hope of improving our fractured relationship.

 

It was honestly heartbreaking to face the truth of what my actions had cost us both, but I knew I owed Alicia the chance to tell me her side. I wanted to know, but it was so hard to hear. Everything in me wanted to console her…to take away her pain…to make things right between us again.

 

It was really difficult to refrain from interrupting her…especially when she spoke of getting checked for STDs. I hated myself in that moment, realizing I had been so self-focused at the time that I never even thought about contracting anything—never mind passing something horrible on to Alicia. That dodged bullet alone made me breathe a sigh of relief, realizing again how fortunate I had been.

 

I reached down and picked up her hand then, lightly stroking over the back of it with my thumb. I waited for a long moment to be certain she was finished. Then, clearing my throat and sniffling to clear the emotion from my voice, I began my response.

 

“I don’t want to make excuses, Alicia—for my behavior or my mindset at the time. You’re right. I was thinking selfishly, for so long, and my behavior was reckless and destructive. I see that now.” 

 

I inhaled a sharp breath, the gravity of my actions weighing heavily on me. “It scares the hell out of me to look back and realize how careless I was…to think that I could have gotten us both infected with HIV or something else.”

 

She shifted her position in front of me then, turning around to face me. She held my gaze, and I could see it in her expression as the realization of all the havoc that situation would have entailed coursed through her mind as it had through mine. “I don’t know how I would have lived with that,” I added, the emotion causing my voice to fluctuate like that of a teenage boy. “

 

“I’m sorry for everything I put you through, Babe,” I said softly.

 

Moving my thumb down to her ring finger, I began twisting her wedding band just as she had done. Both of us looked at it as I spoke, taking comfort in the soothing, hypnotic ritual.

 

“I think, looking back,” I began tentatively, “I felt like we weren’t really connecting anymore. Not like this. I felt like we were strangers sharing a house, kids, and a bed but not really relating to each other…at least not consistently.”

 

“I didn’t know how to deal with that,” I continued…pausing for a moment to really sift through the memories and organize my thoughts. “I didn’t know how to try to reach out any differently to improve things.” I shrugged, remembering the helplessness and frustration. 

 

“I wasn’t sure if it was just me feeling dissatisfied,” I said, rubbing my hand along the back of my neck. “I wondered if I might rock the boat if I said something. I was lonely, and I was feeling increasing pressure at work. The stress and opportunity combined, and I took the bait.” I sighed, realizing how lame it sounded, though it was true.

 

I shrugged again, running my hand through my hair. “I was only thinking of myself for so long, and I just chose not to see the repercussions of my choices.” I gently moved my fingertips under her chin, a silent request for her to look at me. “It was wrong, Alicia,” I said when she looked up. “I’m ashamed that I am the cause of so much undeserved pain…yours and the kids’. I never intended to hurt you. I’m sorry.”

 

A small, sad smile disappeared as quickly as it came with her almost inaudible, “Thank you.”

 

I twisted the ring again, and we both looked back at our joined hands. “I’ve made so many mistakes in our marriage,” I said. “I took you for granted, Alicia...I took what we had for granted. But I’ve been watching you discover yourself again," I said, moving my head to peer at her face once more. 

 

“I’ve seen you come alive in court. I am so proud of you, Babe.” I smiled, rubbing her arm gently. “I realize now just how much a part of me you are. You really are the other half of me, Alicia...the truly better half. You keep me grounded,” I said, squeezing her hand again, and I was encouraged when I felt her tighten her grip around my own. 

 

I continued. “I lost sight of who we were together…who I wanted to be in relation to you. I see that now. But it was never your fault, Alicia,” I said, once again squeezing her hand for emphasis. I watched her close her eyes then, but I wasn’t sure if her reaction was relief or disbelief. The urge in me was strong to reassure her in this, above all else, so I urged her to look me in the eyes again. 

 

“I mean it, Alicia,” I said, stroking her cheek. “You are so beautiful…inside and out. I missed you. I missed this,” I said, indicating between us with my hand. “I wished we had spent time together then like we are right now. I missed us, and I made stupid choices.”

 

She scoffed at the understatement that we both knew my choice of words was. “But my actions were not a reflection on you, Babe, as a woman or as my wife.” I closed my eyes, frustrated with myself.

 

I smiled sadly at her then, tucking her hair behind her ear so I could see her face better. “You’re all I want, Alicia. I’m sorry that I have ever made you doubt yourself or my love for you,” I stated with emotion coating my throat heavily again. “I realize now that you’re all I have ever needed. You’re everything,” I said, kissing her fingertips.

 

I pulled her gently into a hug again, and, for a moment, we sat with that revelation sinking in between us. I watched as Alicia dabbed at her eyes and nose with the tissue wad in her hand.

 

Then, I kissed her head before continuing. “It’s going to take time, and there will be rough spots, but I believe our marriage is worth fighting to save. I believe the relationship we have together, not just as parents and public figures, but as husband and wife…is worth the effort. Please don’t give up on me…on us. I want us back like I’ve never wanted anything in my life, Alicia. Stronger than we ever used to be.” 

 

Alicia looked up at me then, opening her mouth as though a rebuttal was coming, so I placed my finger on her lips to stop her. Then I continued. “We have both grown and changed. We know the risks and the pitfalls now. We can make better choices going forward. I have seen the strong passionate woman I fell in love with reemerge, and I realize now how much you were in the shadows for so long. I want you beside me in life, Alicia, not behind me.”

 

She made eye contact again, and her soft smile encouraged me. “I want to grow old with you in my arms, Babe. I know I don’t deserve another chance, but that is exactly what I’m asking you for…a second chance." 

 

I pulled her hand towards my chest, and squeezed it. “I don’t just want to be a better politician. I want to be a better man.” Taking a deep breath, I stated with all the conviction I felt, knowing now how much I stood to lose, “I want to be the kind of husband, lover, friend, companion, and confidante that you deserve, Alicia.”

 

At that, she put her hand on top of mine, interlocking our fingers. I raised them up to my lips to kiss her knuckles and then leaned my head against hers again. I watched her close her eyes against the tears that slid silently down her cheeks.

 

My own throat was getting thick with emotion. “I love you, Alicia. I love you more than life. I want to spend the rest of my life endeavoring to deserve you—if you will let me.” She took in a sharp breath before letting it slowly out. I took a deep mirroring breath before continuing. “I want to love, cherish, support, and respect you the way you deserve…to make up for all the times that I didn’t do those things in the past.”

 

She looked me in the eyes again then, and I said, “If you are willing to try, Babe, I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll wait as long as you need. I’m all in for the rest of our lives, if you will have me.”

 

I took a nervous breath and swallowed, needing her answer but unsure of what it would be. Summoning every ounce of courage left in me, I looked into her eyes and voiced the one question that bore the weight of our future. “Will you give me that chance?”


	9. Need of You

Note: My lovely beta is the only reason you are seeing this chapter. Thank you, Sabs!

~~~

A weighty silence filled the room. Alicia wiped at her tears and looked at the wedding band on her hand in her lap. Then she spoke softly, with a sadness that belied the faint smile on her lips, saying, “Zach reminded me it was our anniversary today when I was paying bills.” Tilting her head to the side, she pushed her jaw out, incredulous.

 

“I asked what the date was to put on the check. I didn’t even remember,” she said with a shake of her head. Then she looked at him, gauging his reaction as she honestly recalled, “I didn’t know whether I should have felt guilty for not remembering or sad that it seemed so… irrelevant.”

 

Peter’s brow creased in concern at the scenario and her choice of terminology. He locked eyes with her briefly, letting out a small snort… a mix of shock and frustration… before looking away. It wasn’t like Alicia to forget an important date. It bothered him more than he wanted to acknowledge that his wife could, not just choose to ignore their anniversary, but literally let it slip past her radar without remembering it at all _._

_Irrelevant?_ he repeated in his head. He shifted his position and cleared his throat, sensing a new level of anxiety began to form in his gut, but he took a deep breath and tried to stay calm. He didn’t know where she was headed yet, so he decided to let her continue before getting too worked up.

 

Alicia could tell by the sudden stiffness of his body that Peter was not happy, so she added an afterthought, “He went on to tell me all kinds of meanings for number symbolism. It sounded like his English class had discussed it, and he thought it was cool” she said with a slightly amused look, remembering his geeky pleasure that morning.

 

It made Peter curious. “Yeah? Like what?” he asked, a small smile appearing reflexively in response, though it never reached his eyes.

 

She thought back to it for a moment before replying. “He said 19 is the number of surrender, endurance…things coming into focus. Apparently it’s the symbol for winding up old accounts and starting off new… harmony…new beginnings. Things like that.”

 

“Okay…” he stated warily. He was unclear whether this turn in the conversation should make him feel more or less confident since she had not actually answered his own question about getting another chance. He grabbed the back of his neck and rubbed at it, feeling his frustration level rise.

 

For Peter, trying to restore some sort of relationship with Alicia had been an endurance test since the moment he came home from prison, not just their 19th year of marriage. Still, he did resonate with many of the concepts regarding his wife, having realized his desire to win her back while being painfully aware of his utter dependence on her willingness to try again.

 

Alicia took a deep breath and really looked at her husband. The open vibe of the dialogue they had only minutes before now seemed to be lagging, and it made her uneasy. She waited a moment to see if he would speak. When she realized that Peter wasn’t going to throw her a life line, she determined to finish. Wherever it led, she would at least always know she had said what she needed to say to him for her own sake.

 

She took a deep breath then, and let it out, determined. “In light of this evening, they are all things that sound pretty appropriate now,” she stated in almost a whisper, twisting her wedding band again. “After my conversation with Grace, it really made me think…about the two of us, Peter. Where we are. Where we are headed,” she said, meeting his eyes briefly.

 

He sat up straighter then and closed his eyes, mentally preparing himself for the worst. He didn’t want to hear what he was afraid she was going to say, but he felt like a spectator at a highway accident, horrified, yet incapable of turning away from the scene in front of him.

 

“Alicia, please…” was all he could say, his heart breaking at the thought of their relationship truly ending right then.

 

“Peter, I...” she spoke at the same time. She couldn’t stop now. She knew she might not have the courage to say it later, so she hesitated only a moment, cautious only because he refused to make eye contact, and she wasn’t sure what that meant.

 

Steeling herself, she stated, “I want to be close to you again, Peter, but I don't know how.” She looked past him then, thinking. Her voice faltered as she said, more quietly this time, “I miss how it felt to know you wanted me...needed me.”

 

At that, Peter’s head popped up and his eyes held hers. She knew she had his attention then. He reached out to clasp her hand, and Alicia inhaled deeply, relieved and grounded by the renewed contact. Letting her breath out slowly, it sounded loud in the otherwise quiet room.

 

“At other times,” she continued, clearing her throat and willing herself not to cry, “I think of you with your prostitutes, and it makes me nauseous when you touch me.”

 

He had been rubbing his thumb over her hand in a soothing pattern, but quickly pulled it away as though he had just gotten burned. Reaching over to cover his hand with hers, Alicia gave him a small smile. “It’s okay right now,” she reassured him.

 

It was his turn to breathe a sigh of relief then, as he reached over again and clutched her hand. “Good,” he said with a voice full of emotion. “…Because I _do_ want you. I want you to want me too. I want you to still need _me_ too, Babe.”

 

“I do, Peter,” she stated simply. With watery eyes, Alicia admitted, “I’ve tried not to, but I realize now I do. Through all of this, I have decided all I really want is a happy life and to decide my own fate. When I look back, I realize, even with all the pain and difficult times we’ve had, I still want what I always wanted…us. I want us to be happy together again.”

 

With that declaration, his face lit up with genuine happiness for the first time in a while. His body relaxed into the couch again, as he chuckled with relief evident in his voice. “For a couple of minutes there, you really had me worried, Babe. I haven’t been that scared since you kicked me out of your apartment!” he admitted, threading his fingers through hers and sighing again in relief. Then he grinned.

 

Alicia laughed at that, a genuine throaty laugh, causing Peter’s heart to melt all over again. “I’m sorry,” she replied, reaching up to rub his cheek affectionately. He turned his head just enough to kiss her hand. “Come here,” he said and drew her into a tender embrace.

 

They sat in comfortable silence that way for several minutes enjoying the closeness. Eventually, Alicia whispered, “I’ve missed this.”

 

Peter held her a little tighter and agreed, “Me too. I’ve missed _you_.” He kissed her head and added, “I miss us, too, Alicia. I want us to truly be a team now.”

 

She looked up and held his gaze again. Hesitantly, she confided, “I may be inconsistent. I don’t know how to do this…to relearn trust. It’s not easy for me. It probably won’t be a smooth process. Can you be okay with that? I may be unpredictable.”

 

Peter’s smile was immediate, confident, and reassuring. “I wouldn’t expect anything less,” he said before kissing her head gently. “Take all the time you need, Babe. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

 

“Okay,” she said softly, mirroring his smile. “Thank you.”

 

It was settled.

 

Looking at his face, Alicia saw his eyes drop from holding her own gaze to staring at her lips.

 

“Peter…” she said, smiling slightly and cocking her head with a knowing look.

 

“Hmm?” He smiled back, locking eyes with her again. “I was just wondering…if we could maybe…pick up where we left off earlier,” he asked stroking her cheek.

 

She felt herself blush, and the embarrassment that followed the silliness of blushing like a school girl crept through her faster than the heat of the extra blood flow.

 

The instantaneous glow of her skin tone was not lost on Peter. His eyes flowed over her body again in slow appreciation. Alicia watched him watch her. She realized anew what a turn on it was for her as her heart beat faster and the rest of her body began to respond in kind seeing his eyes grow dark with desire.

 

He licked his lips before looking in her eyes again. “You’re so beautiful, Babe…” he stated. There was nothing Peter wanted more in the world than to show his wife how thoroughly he wanted and needed and loved her.

 

She smiled again and pressed her face into his hand before slowly turning her lips to kiss it.

 

With this answer, he tentatively leaned forward and brushed her lips with his. It quickly turned passionate as she wrapped her arm around his neck, responding eagerly in kind. Peter broke the kiss just long enough to stand up and offer her his hand as they both tried to regain some much needed oxygen.

 

“Let’s take this to our bedroom, shall we?” he said with an inviting smile. The term “our” wasn’t lost on Alicia, but it felt right somehow…after everything.

 

Keeping her eyes locked with his, she hesitated just long enough for both of them to acknowledge the huge step they were considering. Then, with a deep cleansing breath and a tender smile, she accepted his offered hand and stood before him.

 

Her nerves revealed themselves in the cracking of her voice as she simply stated, “Yes,” before kissing him once more, briefly, in reply. She put her hand into his, and they laughed softly together as they walked upstairs side by side.


	10. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to take a moment at the start of this final chapter to thank each and every one of you, dear readers. This has been a long and difficult ride for all of us. Thank you for sticking with me to the very end. I hope you have enjoyed reading my story as much as I have enjoyed the journey of writing it.
> 
> I must also give a very special shout out to my dear betas, Jami and Sabrina, without whom this chapter would never have seen the light of day! Words cannot convey my deep gratitude for the many ways you helped me through the writing of this entire story.
> 
> This chapter, in particular, I feel belongs to all three of us, thanks in large part to the sheer pain, effort, and drama I caused each of you during the "labor and delivery" of this fan fiction closure. Thank you for handling my "baby" with such loving care and patience!
> 
> And, lest anyone miraculously forget, I still own nothing of "The Good Wife." Happy reading, and here's to (what I hope will be) a happy season 7 of the series! xo

 

* * *

 

Alicia slowly began to wake. She stretched her legs out languidly, feeling refreshed…lighter. Like a weight had been lifted. As she moved around, enjoying the coolness of the sheets, her foot brushed against a leg that wasn't her own, and she instantly became more conscious. A smile spread across her face, remembering. She turned over as delicately as possible then, wanting to face her husband but trying not to wake him.

Peter was sleeping peacefully on his side, facing her. It had been a long time since Alicia had really looked at him intently, but she indulged herself, thinking of how much she had always loved to watch him sleep before…to listen to his steady breathing. It calmed her back then, soothed the anxious chatter in her mind.

His face had aged, and he was grayer around his temples than she remembered. He needs a haircut. She thought, resisting the urge to run her fingers through it. She noticed the faintest of smiles on his lips, and the sight caused one to spread across her own face as well. He looked so content, and she felt an unexpected sense of pride that she played a part in that.

Taking stock herself, Alicia was able to acknowledge to herself that she also felt content in that moment. It was as if the disjointed parts of her heart that had gone missing when the scandal erupted had been reconnected. She felt at home again, complete, for the first time in several years.

The realization caused tears to make her eyes damp, but not because she was sad for a change…because she was truly happy. She was so glad she had stayed now…happy she had come at all considering how reluctant she had been that morning. But it had been a good decision to stay and talk through their issues. She felt they had really made some progress together in their conversation, and their coupling afterwards felt like a homecoming and a new beginning all at once.

Letting her eyes wander down across Peter's jaw line, biceps, and body, Alicia allowed her mind to replay their love making.

 

* * *

 

_There was a palpable mix of skittish anxiety and slow burning lust between them as they made their way to their former shared bedroom. Alicia entered first, taking a moment to scan the space that contained so many of their most intimate moments together and, she thought with a smile, was about to witness one more._

_Peter closed the bedroom door, and Alicia laughed his favorite laugh when she heard the sound of the lock behind her. "You know you don't have to do that, right? No kids here tonight…"_

_He responded to the rare and special sound with a delighted chuckle of his own before answering, "Old habits from being unexpectedly interrupted." Then he reached out to encircle her waist from behind. "Besides," he teased, nibbling along her ear, "it might slow you down if you try to bolt on me again."_

_She turned her head to meet his lips then, pouring her heart into the kiss. Twisting around to face her husband, she looked him directly in the eyes and stated with conviction, "I don't want to run from you anymore. I want you. Make love to me, Peter."_

_At her invitation, he gently reached for her face, kissing her softly before gazing deeply into her eyes. He led her to the bed and silently guided her to lie down. Then he started a long, slow, tender process of showering her with his love._

_With every kiss, he paused to tell her the symbolism of the different flowers he had sent to her and how their meaning reminded him of her. The themes of loyalty, internal and external beauty, graciousness and strength, faithfulness and friendship, of his open heart towards her and his undying love for her wove a common thread between them._

_Peter's ministrations were so rich with depth and love. Alicia began to allow herself to actively feel the love she still held for Peter that she had hidden away so deeply. When he held her gaze and said, "White tulips are for seeking forgiveness, and I am seeking yours, Alicia," she was undone._

_Peter gently placed his palms against hers, interlocking their fingers, and looked at her with eyes that seemed to plead for her to let him back in…to give their relationship another real chance._

_Alicia paused for a moment, holding his gaze. She took a deep breath before responding sincerely, "I forgive you, Peter. I love you too." Then she pulled him into a passionate kiss._

_With that confirmation, he slowly joined them together in body as their hearts also began to reunite._

_Afterwards Alicia molded herself into Peter's side, lying with her head on his shoulder and his arm around her back. In that moment, she allowed herself permission to cry again. She reassured Peter that it was a healing mixture of happy and sad tears. Peter gently kissed them away, holding her more securely to himself and running a soothing hand along her arm and back._

_"I love you, Alicia. So much. That's what the forget-me-not's symbolized." He held her hand, bringing it to his lips. "I love all the wonderful memories we have created over time. I sincerely hope we can start over together again."_

_Alicia looked in his eyes and whispered, "I know… I want us to work too, but I'm still scared, Peter."_

_"Me too," he admitted, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. "But we'll get through it together. One day at a time."_

_"I need you to be honest with me, Peter—always. Can you do that?" she asked, running her thumb along their intertwined hands._

_He squeezed her hand, stating with conviction, "Yes. I can, and I will, Alicia. I promise."_

_She sat up enough to lean her forehead against his, and took a deep breath._

_"Okay then," she agreed, smiling slightly._

_"Okay," he said, returning her smile before kissing her lips tenderly._

_She settled back down next to him, then, and they fell asleep in each other's arms._

 

* * *

 

As she lay there watching Peter sleep, Alicia felt full of life, and hope, and love again.

Their love making had been so slow, tender, and intentional. Alicia smiled, remembering how Peter wouldn't let her move things along any faster, saying, "Let me," he said gently. "I have wanted to do this for so long, Babe. Just relax and receive my love, okay?"

He refused to rush their progress; instead she felt how sincerely he wanted their coupling to be about reconnecting with her at every level…not just an opportunity to ease some sexual tension.

Peter, she could tell, had been all in during their lovemaking, and she sensed that completely. Alicia had not felt so genuinely cherished by her husband in at least a decade, and the sensation was overwhelming.

She had allowed her own inhibitions to dissolve, allowing their lovemaking to become a truly sacred encounter…a mingling of souls…in a way that they had not experienced together before, maybe ever.

It reminded her of what Grace had said, and even though she wasn't religious, she had to admit that the imagery of 2 people in 1 body and totally separate lives joining together to become one unit again did fit their situation well.

She wanted to kiss those lips again…to be held by those strong and comforting arms…but she knew she had to go, or she would never make it home before Zach's curfew was up. Since he knew she was with Peter, his suspicions would be heightened if she arrived home after him. Alicia definitely did not want to have to face that conversation with her son any time soon.

She succeeded in getting out of bed without Peter noticing, but as she tried to redress, he woke and sat up, confused. She could tell that he was alarmed because she was trying to leave without saying anything. His concern was almost palpable, so she offered him the best answer she had for now. She leaned over and kissed him softly, trying her best to calm his fear. She hesitated...resting her forehead against his for just a second before smiling reassuringly and saying "We'll talk soon, okay?"

"Okay." Peter said as she prepared to leave. "I love you, Babe." he said, his voice full of emotion. She smiled again, reaching out to brush her hand through his hair affectionately. "I love you too." she replied. Then rubbing his chest tenderly above his heart, she added, "Happy Anniversary, Peter," before heading downstairs to get her things and drive home.

He smiled and replied, "Happy Anniversary, Babe," watching her until she disappeared and listening for the front door and her car.

Peter rolled over to Alicia's side of the bed then and cuddled her pillow, inhaling her scent. He smiled to himself, encouraged. He was not sure where their evening together left them, but he knew she was willing to try now...with baby steps. There was hope for their marriage. It would not be fast or easy, but there was hope.

 


End file.
